I hate all girls vehemently.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
