the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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