thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
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