I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
