new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
