Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
