in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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