saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
