Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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