i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
