I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
