I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
