I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
