i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
