i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
