Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
