So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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