My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
