i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
