when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize