if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I won the penis lottery.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
