I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
