My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
