I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
