god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
