Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
