Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
