Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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