Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
