they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
