My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
