Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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