Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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