if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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