he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
