Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
