mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
