I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
