i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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