I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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