dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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