i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
