You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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