omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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