we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
