quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize