11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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