I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
