i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't deserve a penis
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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