I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
