Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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