Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
