I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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