Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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