I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
