I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
