im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
