you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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