there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
