is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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