So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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