I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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