just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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