you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
