I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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