I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm bleeding and have questions
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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